For my baby ~ Ferris Mokhtar van de Ven

For my baby ~ Ferris Mokhtar van de Ven;
..for all my love, my heart and soul..all belong to you! This is how ummie love you - higher than a mountain, wider than an ocean ~

Monday, March 7, 2011

Ferris...today ummie feels so sad...


Ferris...
Today ummie is so sad. Ummie is really sad..
When Ferris was with ummie...every time ummie felt sad,
Ferris always asked ummie: "Ummie..are u sad?"

Honestly,
Yes, baby..
Ummie is very sad..

Ummie feels so bad..
it feels like the world will end pretty soon..

Maybe because last Saturday was the exact date Ferris has been taken away from ummie..
Ummie still remember that day so clear..

Ferris was not feeling well..
and Ferris wanted ummie to hold Ferris all the time..
even when we were in the car..
Ferris wanted to sit with ummie..
Ferris said, "I'm not feeling well, ummie.. I want u to hug me.."

And that night...usually Ferris will sleep with abang Apan and Anchik...
but, that night, for the whole week, Ferris just wanted to sleep with ummie and kak Nang..
While sleeping...Ferris was hugging ummie's neck all the time..
it was so hot at ibu's house..
ummie had pushed Ferris a bit..
later, Ferris came back and hugged ummie's neck again...

The whole last week...
usually Ferris always wanted to eat by Ferris self..
but, that the last week, Ferris has requested ummie to feed Ferris..

usually, Ferris didnt mind to share ummie's lap with Ziedan and Akil
but, that week, Ferris was so jealousy..
and Ferris pushed them away and kept on asking ummie:
"Do u love me, ummie?"
"YES, ummie loves Ferris very much!"

Few minutes later, Ferris asked again:
"Am I the only one, ummie?"
"YES, Ferris is the only one!"
"Ummie loves Ferris?"
"Yes, very much. WHY?"
"Ferris loves ummie so much!"
"Yeah? Ferris loves ummie? How much?"
As usual; "HIGH LIKE A MOUNTAIN, WIDE LIKE AN OCEAN"

On that last day, March 05, 2009
While ummie was packing Ferris' clothes..
Ferris asked ummie again,
"WHY ummie..why with u always short, why with papa always long?"
Ummie was too busy..
but ummie could see Ferris was standing at the end of the bed and one leg on the matress
looking at ummie asking for some mercy not to allow papa to take Ferris...
or, maybe, ummie should beg papa not to take away Ferris from ummie..

but, ummie TRUSTED papa too much..
once he had said;
"IN THIS WORLD, THE ONLY THING I WOULD NOT DO TO YOU, DOOD,
IS TO TAKE FERRIS APART FROM YOU! NEVER!"
Papa said this when he was observing how ummie was devoting
in taking care of Ferris, without failed, not even a single failure..
ever since Ferris has born!

Unfortunately, he BROKE his own words..
and he DID take Ferris away from ummie..
without no news, no phone call, no email
telling that Ferris is FINE
SAFE and HEALTHY.

Maybe..this is all ummie's faults..
ummie did not do ummie best as a wife to papa
and good enough daughter-in-law to opa and oma..

but, for ummie's side..
Frank...i have been a good wife to u..
I have taken care everything for u..
I even have combed your hair..
gotten your clothes ready after shower..
good cooks everyday..
I have made u laughed..
and HAPPINESS!

papa and mama..
I have been a good daughter-in-law for both of u..
I was not only dedicated my life for you..
but, I have devoted it all to you..
but, it still not enough
for that..
I AM SO SORRY!


Ferris...
I am so sorry, baby...
Maybe, ummie just did not do good enough to please everybody
and..I am so sorry baby...
on this day, 24 months ago..
I LET U GO..

STILL..
I saw how sad were u walking to the car..
and I was calling you and waving to u..
and...Ferris didnt even look at ummie..
because, Ferris was mad..
Ferris had begged ummie to tell it to papa that Ferris wanted to stay with ummie..
and ummie DID NOT do that!

FERRIS..
UMMIE LOVES U TOO MUCH..
AND UMMIE HAS BEEN PUNISHING MYSELF NOT TO FEEL
ANY HAPPINESS FOR LETTING U GO
AND FEELING THESE ALL SUFFERS
SEPARATING WITH UMMIE..

I know baby..
You are wondering where I am..
do I still love u..
do I still remember u..

and..
ummie just asking the same questions..

WHERE ARE U, FERRIS?
DO U STILL LOVE UMMIE?
DO U STILL REMEMBER UMMIE?

Once, u had lost me in the shopping mall..
and I found u back, u were crying so hard and loud!
Ferris said:
"UMMIE, U FOUND ME, UMMIE!
UMMIE FOUND FERRIS!"

"Of course, I am your ummie..
wherever u go..I saw u..
whenever u lost...I will find u back!
Because, I am your ummie!"

and....
that day, when Frank had arrived..
Ferris hugged me tightly and looked at my eyes and saying;
"If u lost me, will u find me back, ummie?"

"YES"

"You promise?"

"YES!"

..then he turned around and walking to the car..
that was the last image of Ferris that still fresh in my mind...

Ummie sayang Ferris...
sayang Ferris sangat sangat...
Ferris sayang ummie, kan!




22 comments:

  1. Salam,Elis banyak2 kisah sebegini kisah Elis dan Ferris paling membuatkan akak paling sedih.Hari2 akak buka blog Elis. Dan setiap kali membaca ini jugalah akak akan berdoa sambil menangis. "Ya Allah ya tuhanku tiadakah insan yang dermawan yang dapat membantu Elis dari segi kewangan. Agar proses menuntut Ferris kembali dapat dipercepatkan. Lakukan byk2 solat hajat. Agar Ferris mengingati wajah Elis dikala berjumpa satu hati nanti dan dipermudahkan segala urusan.Amin Amin.

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  2. walaikumsalam kak..maafkan sy sekiranya blog saya ni buatkan akak rasa sedih..sy tak niat pun nak buat pembaca sedih..tetapi, inilah sahaja cara yang boleh saya luahkan rasa isi hati saya..sebab saya percaya bekas suami saya akan membacanya. Dengan doa supaya dia rasa kasihan pada saya dan membenarkan Ferris berjumpa dengan saya.
    Ya ALLAH makbulkanlah doa2 kami..amin amin amin!

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  3. kak elis,i burst into tear when i read ur latest entry.5th march 2009,my last birthday as secondary student.i celebrated it happily.but,who know at the other side of world,u cried cried cried for ur boy.i really believed u will meet him afterwards.when?its up to Allah.what u have to do just keep on praying at nights n days.ohh ya a child will never forget their MOM.trust me.lastly,be tough n strong kak.everything will be fine then.just wait.ferris's dad will get the punishment n ferris will be with u.

    L.O.V.E :D

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  4. thanx aisyaa...u know, i am so touched with your words..hey! i am not that bad..dont worry! U should enjoy your birthday's party and your last year in secondary school..OK! I wrote this just because i just missed Ferris too much..everything i have written above all just spontaneous without any words arrangement! Too much to express..honestly, these just a small part of it!
    ..amin amin amin! Ya ALLAH makbulkanlah segera!

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  5. Elis dear, banyak2 bersabar n berdoa sebanyak2nya tanpe jemu. Insyaallah, u will get him back.

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  6. Sis..sy hanya mampu doakan agar sis dapat jumpa ur son satu hari nanti..first time sampai sini but i know ur stories dah lama from magazine or paper i forgot..siapa pun baca ni akan menangis..tp berat mata memandang berat lg bahu memikul..moga Allah bukakan pintu hati papa ferris utk temukan sis dgn ferris..

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  7. Woah! good writing! put those sincere words on your novel.. <3

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  8. welcome kak.all i can give,only my words as i can do nothing to bring ferris back.i know how much u miss him.u are his mom.nothing can describe ur feeling when u lose the beloved ones.dont worry.surely,Allah will help u. :)

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  9. welcome kak.all i can give,only my words as i can do nothing to bring ferris back.i know how much u miss him.u are his mom.nothing can describe ur feeling when u lose the beloved ones.dont worry.surely,Allah will help u. :)

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  10. terima kasih martini gimin..doa2 saya takkan jemu.. sesungguhnya ALLAH Maha Mengetahui! AmiN!

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  11. terima kasih Rina AVAIL a.k.a cik betty..
    YA ALLAH, makbulkanlah doa2 kami. AMIN AMIN AMIN

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  12. Thx This Is KL THUGS..yes, sure it will be on my next novel..i am working on it now...collecting datas..but when comes into microsoft words..i got stuck again...but, on this blog..all smooth and very clear!! Maybe because i am expecting my ex-husband will read it..it's part of my pledge for him to know how much i want to see Ferris again..and surely, for him to spare me some mercy.. May God soften his heart.. amin!

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  13. Thx aisyaa.imz, i believe Allah is helping me.. but i must help myself before the good thing happens...so that call 'a miracle'! Amin! Ya ALLAH MAha Pendengar!! Makbulkanlah!

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  14. ur strong i'm sure u will be able to go thru it, and insyaallah ferris will be by ur side soon..love all ferris's picture..so adorable

    p.s. do visit my blog
    http://kimberlykb.blogspot.com/2011/03/take-trip-down-memory-lane.html

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  15. Elis,

    You can write down your feelings here, but never ever write down any detailed concrete plans of what you have planned when you finally plan to go to Belgium to get him back. Cos, if your ex hb is reading this blog, he will be alerted and he may hide Ferris or harm him. So, be quiet when you finally embark on your journey to belgium. I am sure the embassy of malaysia there can protect you when you are there. try to get the help of msian students who are studyin in belgium to locate ur hb. make sure u keep everything confidential and only report it back on ur blog once u are back to msia with ferris.

    irene

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  16. Thanks KB..yes he is so adorable.. :)

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  17. Dear Irene..thanks for your advices..surely I do that..but I have no plan..and I dont want to keep any secret anymore..I did all i could..maybe this time i should leave it all to God.. God is Great, He knows better..and I believe Frank is not as bad as we thought, must be something that made him cant even let me see Ferris..only Frank knows what. And i still believe he is loving me as much as before and maybe he loves me more...and he just cant find a word to say or he cant find a way to tell..for that, I will wait for that day! There's so much worth of waiting for my love to come back..and i believe if he comes back..he comes back for good..! Amin! :)

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  18. Hi Elis,

    Last weekend I bought your novel from Plaza Angsana pustaka buku. Read the novel and I really feel that you are one strong woman to have gone through that much in your life. You are right about your statement above. Frank is a good person, but there is something/someone who is brainwashing him .. and due to this he is not able to make his own decision. Just pray to god and I am sure Ferris will be returned to you very soon.

    Irene.

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  19. thank you, Irene...yes, indeed.. Frank was a good husband, he was so sweet, lovely and loving! Honestly, i can never find any other husband better than him. He just perfect! Funny and adorable...just a matter of fate or 'jodoh' ...that our marriage just for those few years.. it's sad..but the truth is always hurt! <3

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  20. Salam, Elis andai kata Frank ingin kembali kepada Elis adakah Elis menerimanya semula ? Akak pun dah baca buku Elis memang sgt2 menarik. Demi Ferris akak cadangaan terimalah dia semula. Waluapun perit hati Elis menanggungnya selamanya ini. Bina kehidupan baru, lupakan segalanya. Banyak2 keperitan dan kesakitan yang ditanggung oleh kaum isteri adalah bila diri DICURANGI pasangan masing2 berbanding dengan penderitaan yang Elis rasa itu. Apa pun akak masih dan tetap doakan yang terbaik buat Elis ku dan Ferris si comel tu dan juga Frank agar dilembutkan hati2nya oleh Allah untuk memulangkan Ferris semula ke Elis.Amin Amin . Kak Rina.

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  21. INSYAALAH kak rina...if Frank comes back... NOTHING IN THIS WORLD that i want more. AMIN AMIN AMIN!

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  22. elis, you make me cry. i know how u feel. i have 3 kids, divorced and gave up my job to work from home just to be able to take care of them myself. i have nothing, just a small rented house with just enough to make ends meet. sometimes we survive on instant noodles but there's nothing i want more and they just want me. ferris will be back to you. miracle does happen. only Allah knows. i pray for u and ferris.

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