For my baby ~ Ferris Mokhtar van de Ven

For my baby ~ Ferris Mokhtar van de Ven;
..for all my love, my heart and soul..all belong to you! This is how ummie love you - higher than a mountain, wider than an ocean ~

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Ummie's 36th Birthday Celebration April 6, 2011

Ha ha ha ha..

I just cant believe it!!!
..ummie just celebrated ummie's 36th birthday celebration! Oh my! Can u imagine that; your ummie is 26 years old? ..woopss... wrong one... 36 years old?????

Do i look 36, baby?

Yeah yeah... i still remember, Ferris used to say: "..ummie is sexy!"

He used to sing for me Sean Kingston's song: "'re way too beautiful girl..." and touched my chin while singing it and then kissed me again and again.
Oh man... he is a sweet lil guy! Tell ya, baby... yes I am.. your ummie is SEXY (ahem!) and ...still as beautiful girl as u loved to sing for her!!

Yeah, on the 6th April 2011..ummie received very special flower bouquets delivery at the office!

11 buds of bordeaux red roses.. clear-arranged! No extra leaves or side flowers... why 11 buds? I dont know.. Why clear-arranged.. because ummie loves that way! It looks clean and 'clear and contented' ..(????)

I remember, one morning Ferris and papa went out for bread and came back with a huge bouquet of yellow roses.. HAPPY MOTHER's DAY, ummie! was on year 2006.. the peak of the love nest of happiness.


Pink and red roses from Untie Gie!! Thank you GG!!! ..u know what... untie G is a florist now.. she does the flower arrangement.. and she has boyfriend!! He is Uncle Syuk!!! I remembered, Ferris once had cried because he thought his Untie Gie has bf!!! Ha ha ha ha! Now, u dont need to cry anymore... auntie G is having a bf!! And u know who is Uncle Syuk well!! The one who always teased u!!!!

From auntie Ayun and Kak Ain, ummie's friends at the college.

Surprise belated birthday celebration at the library!! Thank you!! Thank you to chik Wan, chik Ida, chik sha, chik Emy, and uncle Im! :) They all from the library's team.

 one could ever make ummie's face sour and sad again.. she is breathing, kicking and ALIVE!

Baby, although life isnt that wonderful as we thought, although going through a life without being with someone who is the most important in my life.. which i almost half dead being apart from you..
I must move on..
I have faith in us, for our affections and pure love.. mother and son.. i believe a miracle will happen and you will be right back to me..
Thus, i am learning to accept it whether soon or sooner or later..
my love for u would never be compared and it is growing and keep on living through all over the universe..
"..if wind blows you.. that is me, baby... your ummie is caressing u from far far away.."

I love u, Ferris.. and u know that i will always do ~

ummie sayang Ferris!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I am doing my way...

Again today i have such fully inspirations to share here. This is the continuous from the previous post. Again, i would like to say; they said.. in life u just only can choose one and pick one!

Well, i have taken the right way. I chose to get out from the mud pit and knocked off my nut shell and survive. Alhamdulillah, i have survived. I have survived my depression for almost 2 years without taking any medication or any help from motivators.. all i did was self motivation - learn to understand the concept of 'fate' and how to let go..
(Those photo frames are belong to Ferris, we bought it long time ago and his collection Speed Racer hotwheels cars which he used to carry them everywhere in his pocket, he loves them and i will keep them for him till he comes back)

Well, i admit it myself. No matter how strong i am now... i still wish this should never happened in my life. Too much pain, really. Everyday i wake up in the morning, i wish everything is happened just a very bad long nightmare; i wish i get up in the morning and everything is suppose to be on its way like it used to be - me in my PJs, cold, rushed to the kitchen preparing breakfast.. Ferris is already on the couch watching 'Thunderbirds' and Frank is sitting in his mini office browsing news on his computer. Well, i know i gotta wake up and face the real world that all those just dreams away.. something that will never come back. I have to accept the reality.. those just part of memories which always be buried deeply in my thoughts.

After so many years, so much pains i have to bear, i am here right now..
..still paddling my life to reach at the certain point of level which i must do it my way..

When i was married to Frank...i have complained, i wanted to have back my life, i wanted to be independent, i wanted to get back to school, i wanted to teach again.. i wanted this.. i wanted that.. so many things i wanted to do.. which i just cant. I was a married woman, a wife, a mother and a daughter-in-law. Now, God has granted my wish.. and here I am.. I'm doing it my way. But, still i am too greedy to say that this is not what i want.. this is not what i expected! To be ALONE. However, i must get myself back together and be contented. Because i already knew this is going to happen anyway. And i am learning to accept it..

To Ferris, sayang...ummie is doing well..
To Frank...take a look at me far i have gone.. and how i have survived my life.
And to anyone out there, i am not scared of u anymore. I believe that not everyone in this world is meant to hurt me. I am no longer hopeless with my life.. no matter what u have talked or said about me positively or in negative way... i am doing pretty well, as u can see it. And i am working hard to feel the joyous of my present life.

For this i have learned from the pain i've been through, that everything in this world is just a borrowing (pinjaman) ..and not everything that we want will be sure it belongs to us. No matter how sweet the promises.. no matter how accurate it has planned... He knows better! When He said, 'kun faya kun' - it happened.. it must happened.. not even a second tick of delays, while when it is not yet happened, it will not yet be happened! ..even for thousand years.

and even u matter how much u love me.. or u have tried to love me or even no matter how hard u have loved me... i must let it go. Letting go what u thought was yours isnt easy thing to do but it is also not impossible. Jodoh pertemuan, ajal maut di tangan Tuhan.. who are we to disagree? NONE

For that... i will stay here and be with u although in real or illusions, I WILL BE HERE. And i wait for something miracle will happen and bring back u to me in whole. Demi Allah...i love u too much! Not even a second in my life i ever forgotten to not to love u.. And all i do, did or done for u are come from my purest sincerity. No matter how far u run, or hide. No one could ever compared the power of 'fate' that it will bring u back to me...

..i surrender myself ~

Because, if u are with me...i want u to be with me, not because u feel responsible or u feel sorry for what i've been through or because the promises u have made to me - I want u whole and i want u to stay because of me, because i am important to u as a part of u as your second self whom u cant live without. In return, the only thing that i want from u is only one is LOVE.
..let me feel love and to be loved. Sympathy isnt love ~

(pic with abang apan, anchik, kak nang and ziedan right before we went to PWTC)

ummie sayang Ferris..

Monday, April 25, 2011's been quite awhile..'s been awhile...

Yeah, it's been awhile i didnt update my blog. I just couldnt find a word what shall i tell Ferris about me and my life has been going on. I just cant tell the same thing each time..about how i'm missing him..or how greatest moment it was when we were still together.. At this time i want him to know that i am getting better.. although hard to say that i am moving on my life; with or without him.

They said, i must move on..yes, i am doing it. No matter how hard it is, i gotta do it whether i like it or not.. IT'S A MUST! Well, so far so good. And here i am.. being busy again, though still havent busy enough for me to put myself off from not to think about Ferris.. what he is doing, where he is and how he is now. I thought i have given up, lost hope and let it go.. NO I DONT. Not yet.. not even think about it!

When i was interviewed by Inn Mahat last week at my eldest sister's house, a reporter from Nona TV3 (the pic next). He asked me; how did i survive my depression? Yeah.. i asked myself.. HOW? I never thought about it! Then, i came out with something; 1st I thought i have lost everything. After loosing Ferris, i just decided no more happiness for me - i dont deserve it! I should be punished for my deeds for letting him go. I cant stop condemning myself for what i have done to my family, my marriage. I just cant stop feeling guilty of hurting everyone who loves/loved me! - That wasnt a good way to answer it. Then I thought of someone who came to my life and said; 'Elis.. you just love to hurt yourself. You are very good in making yourself sad.. Stop doing that and move on! ..let it go! How come God gives Ferris back to u while u cant even set up your own life!' - That was a big slap on my face and woke me up from my long 'comfort zone' daydream. It has changed my life totally. I stopped crying or wallowing my self pity. I AM NOT THAT CRYING WOMAN ANYMORE!

I started to paint. All those grayish sceneries turned out slowly into the variety of colors and keep adding up new colors each time, bright and colorful. It is wonderful. I feel wonderful, fullness and contented for the first time. (My latest paintings pic below - my vivid memories of European cities where i have spent most of the time with Frank and also these are for Ferris, for his hotwheels cars' track)

Form that point it has continued to another point. And those points keep on repeating and continuous endlessly. Those points has created one big shape. Solid and formed. It's given me the missing part that i've been searching for so long. One day i woke up and i just decided to go to work. It was a big step ahead. Still, working and being attached to a company as an employee is a HUGE thing for me. I never wanted to live here and to be here, not to settle down here. I never felt that i belong here. But where do i belong to? I dont know. I cant find a word to answer that. At the beginning, i just put myself still inside the nutshell and i decided to go to work just to put away my loneliness.. Though, it was a new step. I would not know what will happen next.

Took me few weeks to realize that this is what i have wanted since the beginning. Ok. I am working now. I am giving the educational lessons to my students. I started to enjoy it - meeting new friends, being in the society again. But the feelings were still in my nutshell; i still refused any tendencies. Until one day, one of my final year student came to me to show his design report.. he wrote; 'million thanks to Puan Elis Mokhtar whom never gave up to guide and inspire me for this report until i have done this best'. I felt choke. My eyes were watery. Although it was just a common thanks wordings for any reports or journals or thesis..but it has touched my heart. I FELT USEFUL! Oh God, finally i felt useful! Only God knows how deep it has given the impact into my darkness world of loneliness. And the addition of the chaos classes i m teaching, they just occupied me. They cheered me up each time. (pic of me and my students on right above on Scout Day last March 2011).

Slowly all these have stimulated me back into a new bright direction of my life. Not only that, i met friends that really nice and very sweet to me (pic next; me, Ain and Ayun).

Not least, on last Sunday at the PWTC, Inn Mahat came again to interview me. And his last question was; 'Where this strength came from to achieve this far.?' Well, i tried my best to be spontaneous and acted like i am ok. Hey, i am moving on now! I dont wanna cry in front of camera anymore! Calmly, i gave him kinda general answers, like other people always said..the motivational words. Honestly, i have lied! I tried to say it easy how proud i am succeeded get out from my awful depression..i have failed. I cant answer it such that surface answers.. my tongue twisted! I cant even say a word without mentioning my son's name. Finally, i took a deep breathe and said it out loud; 'Ferris.. this is for you! Because of u, ummie has gone this far!'

ummie sayang Ferris..

Pesta Buku Antarabangsa PWTC 24 April 2011

'Kubawa Hati Ini'

with Inn, a reporter from Nona TV3..
Thanks Inn for coming and recording my book's promotion.
Will be air on Nona on coming May

..with uncle Jack..
"Ferris loves................"
".................uncle Jack!"

Thank you for the supports..
of course this is for u, Ferris..
you are my strength, my hope life!
Wishing u were here...

sayang Ferris ~

Saturday, April 23, 2011


24Apr2011 (Sunday)
4-7 pm
Karang kraf booth

See ya there!