For my baby ~ Ferris Mokhtar van de Ven

For my baby ~ Ferris Mokhtar van de Ven;
..for all my love, my heart and soul..all belong to you! This is how ummie love you - higher than a mountain, wider than an ocean ~

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I am doing my way...

Again today i have such fully inspirations to share here. This is the continuous from the previous post. Again, i would like to say; they said.. in life u just only can choose one and pick one!

Well, i have taken the right way. I chose to get out from the mud pit and knocked off my nut shell and survive. Alhamdulillah, i have survived. I have survived my depression for almost 2 years without taking any medication or any help from motivators.. all i did was self motivation - learn to understand the concept of 'fate' and how to let go..
(Those photo frames are belong to Ferris, we bought it long time ago and his collection Speed Racer hotwheels cars which he used to carry them everywhere in his pocket, he loves them and i will keep them for him till he comes back)

Well, i admit it myself. No matter how strong i am now... i still wish this should never happened in my life. Too much pain, really. Everyday i wake up in the morning, i wish everything is happened just a very bad long nightmare; i wish i get up in the morning and everything is suppose to be on its way like it used to be - me in my PJs, cold, rushed to the kitchen preparing breakfast.. Ferris is already on the couch watching 'Thunderbirds' and Frank is sitting in his mini office browsing news on his computer. Well, i know i gotta wake up and face the real world that all those just dreams away.. something that will never come back. I have to accept the reality.. those just part of memories which always be buried deeply in my thoughts.

After so many years, so much pains i have to bear, i am here right now..
..still paddling my life to reach at the certain point of level which i must do it my way..

When i was married to Frank...i have complained, i wanted to have back my life, i wanted to be independent, i wanted to get back to school, i wanted to teach again.. i wanted this.. i wanted that.. so many things i wanted to do.. which i just cant. I was a married woman, a wife, a mother and a daughter-in-law. Now, God has granted my wish.. and here I am.. I'm doing it my way. But, still i am too greedy to say that this is not what i want.. this is not what i expected! To be ALONE. However, i must get myself back together and be contented. Because i already knew this is going to happen anyway. And i am learning to accept it..

To Ferris, sayang...ummie is doing well..
To Frank...take a look at me far i have gone.. and how i have survived my life.
And to anyone out there, i am not scared of u anymore. I believe that not everyone in this world is meant to hurt me. I am no longer hopeless with my life.. no matter what u have talked or said about me positively or in negative way... i am doing pretty well, as u can see it. And i am working hard to feel the joyous of my present life.

For this i have learned from the pain i've been through, that everything in this world is just a borrowing (pinjaman) ..and not everything that we want will be sure it belongs to us. No matter how sweet the promises.. no matter how accurate it has planned... He knows better! When He said, 'kun faya kun' - it happened.. it must happened.. not even a second tick of delays, while when it is not yet happened, it will not yet be happened! ..even for thousand years.

and even u matter how much u love me.. or u have tried to love me or even no matter how hard u have loved me... i must let it go. Letting go what u thought was yours isnt easy thing to do but it is also not impossible. Jodoh pertemuan, ajal maut di tangan Tuhan.. who are we to disagree? NONE

For that... i will stay here and be with u although in real or illusions, I WILL BE HERE. And i wait for something miracle will happen and bring back u to me in whole. Demi Allah...i love u too much! Not even a second in my life i ever forgotten to not to love u.. And all i do, did or done for u are come from my purest sincerity. No matter how far u run, or hide. No one could ever compared the power of 'fate' that it will bring u back to me...

..i surrender myself ~

Because, if u are with me...i want u to be with me, not because u feel responsible or u feel sorry for what i've been through or because the promises u have made to me - I want u whole and i want u to stay because of me, because i am important to u as a part of u as your second self whom u cant live without. In return, the only thing that i want from u is only one is LOVE.
..let me feel love and to be loved. Sympathy isnt love ~

(pic with abang apan, anchik, kak nang and ziedan right before we went to PWTC)

ummie sayang Ferris..


  1. wahhhh!!! pic tu!!!
    Ferris, balik sini cepatttt!! Boleh duduk sebelah "kanan" Ummie tu!!!
    Ibu tak sabar nak tunggu Ferris balik sini!!
    Ibu sayang Ferris!!

  2. Ferris.... uncle jack miss u so much... i will wait for u... no one knows how i felt when u are out of my sight... u always with since the 2nd week you were born... hope u will always remember us in MALAYSIA.... "A son have absolute obligation to his parent until the end of his life" it is a your responsibility to take care of your papa n ummie..... love u... uncle jack miss u so much....

    frank: i wouldn't mind if u made up stories about me.. cause u know how close i'm with YOU, ELIS and FERRIS.... send my regard to ferris...

  3. thank you, uncle jack... i believe Ferris misses u as much u missed him..especially now KungFu Panda 2 is on the cinema now.. he is remembering u when he is watching that movie, absolutely! :)


Please say something..