..it's been awhile...
Yeah, it's been awhile i didnt update my blog. I just couldnt find a word what shall i tell Ferris about me and my life has been going on. I just cant tell the same thing each time..about how i'm missing him..or how greatest moment it was when we were still together.. At this time i want him to know that i am getting better.. although hard to say that i am moving on my life; with or without him.
They said, i must move on..yes, i am doing it. No matter how hard it is, i gotta do it whether i like it or not.. IT'S A MUST! Well, so far so good. And here i am.. being busy again, though still havent busy enough for me to put myself off from not to think about Ferris.. what he is doing, where he is and how he is now. I thought i have given up, lost hope and let it go.. NO I DONT. Not yet.. not even think about it!
When i was interviewed by Inn Mahat last week at my eldest sister's house, a reporter from Nona TV3 (the pic next). He asked me; how did i survive my depression? Yeah.. i asked myself.. HOW? I never thought about it! Then, i came out with something; 1st I thought i have lost everything. After loosing Ferris, i just decided no more happiness for me - i dont deserve it! I should be punished for my deeds for letting him go. I cant stop condemning myself for what i have done to my family, my marriage. I just cant stop feeling guilty of hurting everyone who loves/loved me! - That wasnt a good way to answer it. Then I thought of someone who came to my life and said; 'Elis.. you just love to hurt yourself. You are very good in making yourself sad.. Stop doing that and move on! ..let it go! How come God gives Ferris back to u while u cant even set up your own life!' - That was a big slap on my face and woke me up from my long 'comfort zone' daydream. It has changed my life totally. I stopped crying or wallowing my self pity. I AM NOT THAT CRYING WOMAN ANYMORE!
I started to paint. All those grayish sceneries turned out slowly into the variety of colors and keep adding up new colors each time, bright and colorful. It is wonderful. I feel wonderful, fullness and contented for the first time. (My latest paintings pic below - my vivid memories of European cities where i have spent most of the time with Frank and also these are for Ferris, for his hotwheels cars' track)
Form that point it has continued to another point. And those points keep on repeating and continuous endlessly. Those points has created one big shape. Solid and formed. It's given me the missing part that i've been searching for so long. One day i woke up and i just decided to go to work. It was a big step ahead. Still, working and being attached to a company as an employee is a HUGE thing for me. I never wanted to live here and to be here, not to settle down here. I never felt that i belong here. But where do i belong to? I dont know. I cant find a word to answer that. At the beginning, i just put myself still inside the nutshell and i decided to go to work just to put away my loneliness.. Though, it was a new step. I would not know what will happen next.
Took me few weeks to realize that this is what i have wanted since the beginning. Ok. I am working now. I am giving the educational lessons to my students. I started to enjoy it - meeting new friends, being in the society again. But the feelings were still in my nutshell; i still refused any tendencies. Until one day, one of my final year student came to me to show his design report.. he wrote; 'million thanks to Puan Elis Mokhtar whom never gave up to guide and inspire me for this report until i have done this best'. I felt choke. My eyes were watery. Although it was just a common thanks wordings for any reports or journals or thesis..but it has touched my heart. I FELT USEFUL! Oh God, finally i felt useful! Only God knows how deep it has given the impact into my darkness world of loneliness. And the addition of the chaos classes i m teaching, they just occupied me. They cheered me up each time. (pic of me and my students on right above on Scout Day last March 2011).
Slowly all these have stimulated me back into a new bright direction of my life. Not only that, i met friends that really nice and very sweet to me (pic next; me, Ain and Ayun).
Not least, on last Sunday at the PWTC, Inn Mahat came again to interview me. And his last question was; 'Where this strength came from to achieve this far.?' Well, i tried my best to be spontaneous and acted like i am ok. Hey, i am moving on now! I dont wanna cry in front of camera anymore! Calmly, i gave him kinda general answers, like other people always said..the motivational words. Honestly, i have lied! I tried to say it easy how proud i am succeeded get out from my awful depression..i have failed. I cant answer it such that surface answers.. my tongue twisted! I cant even say a word without mentioning my son's name. Finally, i took a deep breathe and said it out loud; 'Ferris.. this is for you! Because of u, ummie has gone this far!'